d(^_^)b—els Weblog

Okay.

So I just got back from the Philippines. And I have a few things in mind. But the most that’s bugging me is about a mistake that I made before I left.

Let’s just say that I’m not the type of person who would give false hopes to anyone.  I would never try to hold someone and make them believe of feelings that I truly don’t hold. But, I got confused before I left and might have let my guard down.  At first, I didn’t like this particular person because of his attitude and behavior.  But, when I got to know him a couple of months ago, I realized that he also has a sensitive side.  When he told me he has feelings for me, I totally denied the whole thing.  I even laughed it out telling him that it’s just a joke! But I guess, I hurt his feelings for doing that.  I just couldn’t imagine him liking me because he has always treated me like I’m some kind of joke.  The one who he always makes fun of.  The one who is his main target when it comes to criticisms of where I live.  But I guess he changed.  I saw that change in him and, then, I got confused.  I started to think that maybe I’m starting to have the same feelings for him. We started to talk more often.  I opened up to him about my family and some personal things.  I told him why I am not willing to take it any further with him or with anyone I’ve met.  Let’s just say my first conversation with him, was very awkward.  I didn’t like how he kept asking me questions about my feelings for him.  I’m sorry, but during that time I just recently found out that he likes me. I can’t just give him an answer right away. I don’t even truly know him… So I told him that I’m waiting for the right one to come along and then I’ll be willing to take the risk.  But he told me I was selfish and that I will have a hard time finding that right person for me.  I was hurt after hearing this.  I think anyone in my position would feel the same way.  However, I let it pass.  I still communicated with him.  But during this time, I was really confused.  I don’t know if, maybe, I gave him some false hopes because I, myself, can’t remember what I have revealed to him about my feelings.  I thought so much about this while I was gone.  I don’t want him or myself to get hurt.  I don’t want to continue giving him false hopes.  If texting back and picking up his calls are giving him false hopes, I will stop.  I just don’t want to keep doing something that might end up in a big mess that I have to later clean up. 

I still don’t know how I’m going to deal with this.  Lately, I’m just trying to lay low for a while.  Maybe, it will all just pass and no confrontations will be needed.  Maybe, I can just forget about it and he, too, will be able to do the same.  For now, I’m just hoping for the best.  But if you have any advice, will you let me know?