d(^_^)b—els Weblog

Okay.

I don’t know how to put it all together.

But let me start by saying that I’m not a very expressive person, unless I’m writing down what I feel.

So…now, I’m being expressive.

Okay.  Well, I’m not the type of person that can easily say how I feel in front of someone.  I tend to run away when opportunities like that arise.  I always change the subject to prevent myself from answering questions that I refuse to provide answers for.  I tend to laugh at things to prevent the conversation from getting too serious, and to prevent me from spilling everything I have to say.

I don’t know why I do these things.  I don’t know if, maybe, I’m scared of the outcome and the consequences of what I say. I don’t know if, maybe, I’m just scared to take my chances or giving people a chance.

I’ve told myself before that I will always take risks…because life is short and no one knows when it will be taken away from us.  But, I’m a hypocrit.  Everything I’ve done…is completely the opposite.  I don’t say what I feel. I keep it inside, hoping that the feelings will go away.  I don’t give people a chance to say what they want to say.  I don’t give people a chance to prove themselves to me.  But most importantly, I don’t give myself the chance to be with the people who are willing to take that risk for me.

Sometimes, it’s hard for me to take things any further.  I’m scared of being hurt in the end.  I know this is the lamest excuse in the world, because everyone is bound to get hurt at least once in their life.  But I’m scared that I won’t be able to handle myself in a situation like that.  I’m scared that things will fall apart for me again.  I’m scared that I will be so distracted that I won’t concentrate on what I first thought were important.

I guess…I just need to slap or punch myself for being too scared.  I just need to be strong.  Maybe, when the right time comes along…I’ll be able to overcome my confusion and fears. 

                    I’ll be able to just take that risk. 

                                    Give that person a chance. 

                                                            Take their hand, close my eyes, and leap.