d(^_^)b—els Weblog

Sorry, I haven’t been keeping my blogs up-to-date.  I have been pretty busy lately.  But, I decided to do a mini-blog today as a stress-reliever from finals.

So let’s see…

There are so many things I have learned in the past year.  Again, I have met some wonderful people that have become my cheap escape from life.  I love them.  They just know when to make me laugh…

Although I have met some wonderful people in the past school year, I kind of lost contact with other people I knew.  When I think back on the times, I realized that I have been distant with some people.  I don’t mean to be distant.  It’s kind of hard to explain.  I just know that I still keep in touch, or at least try to, with the people who have been there for me.

I learned so many things this year. I learned that I shouldn’t open up to people because it gives them a reason to hurt me.  I learned that I have to learn to face my problems, and that running away from them is not going to solve them.  I realized that if I run away, it will always find a way to come back.

….

I hate to admit it…but I got badly hurt last year, and no ordinary band-aid could fix it. Although my experiences from last year were a bit terrifying and hard to recover from, I was still able to move on.  It took me a long time to do this though. I found myself being more quiet for a few months. I found myself trying to distance myself from a lot of people.  I know that they had nothing to do with what I was going through, but I just felt like I needed to think things through a little more.  

After my grandfather passed away last year, I started to use him as my main inspiration in life.  I started to do everything for him.  I didn’t give up in trying to achieve the education he wanted me to have no matter how many times I fell into the cracks of failure.  I tried my best.  I worked from evening to midnight to get the experience I needed and woke up early in the morning to go to school.  I know that this is just the start of what I’m getting myself into, but I know I will succeed as long as I put my priorities first and continue to use my grandfather as inspiration.  I just want him to be proud wherever he may be.  He has taught me a lot in life, and I want to make sure I put it to good use.  So, this is the main reason why I was a bit MIA for most of the activities at school.

Next, I made a mistake last year.  I thought I was ready for something.  But I was very naive and I ended up getting hurt.  Now, I know that I shouldn’t easily open up to people because it hurts when they leave for no reason.  I may be overeacting, but I just don’t want it to happen again.  I had a lot to deal with last year with my grandfather’s death, and I thought someone was there to help me out.  But I found no help.  Instead I got support from the people I didn’t expect to support me.  It took me a long time to forgive and forget.  That’s right. I just want to forget it and leave it at that.  I was hoping that it didn’t come back.  But it did, and it hurt me even more.  It hurt me because I felt that the effort I put in almost a year of forgetting was worthless.  All that effort and it came back.  I mean I recovered from everything, forgot everything, but I was again reminded of it all.  Honestly, I’m not the type of person who likes to be confronted. I don’t like to be put in the spot for me to spill out what I feel.  I just can’t do that.  I end up running away or walking out, just what my friends tell me.  I just can’t handle it.  I know it’s never the right thing to do and talking about it will better solve the problem. But I can’t and I don’t want to.  I just want to foget it for now until I’m ready to remember it again in the future to laugh at the mistakes I’ve made.

……

I don’t want to get hurt. I still believe in fairytales.  But I’m afraid that if I get hurt again, I will no longer find a happy ever after.